Looking for a new place to live
Car window got smashed out and GPS, iPod, Mam-Ma's laptop stolen
Hours cut in half at both jobs, so looking for job #3
Started a new semester at NGU graduate school
God is teaching me how to be a WARRIOR, everyday as I get closer to WARRIOR WEEKEND for the high school guys at church
After having the most difficult talk with the woman of my dreams I have come to some certain difficult conclusions about myself and the God I profess to love. Relationships here on earth are simple but poignant metaphors for God's love to us. I told the woman that I could potentially marry that I am inadequate, unsure, and subject to failure. I cried in front of her because of the way I am. My earthly dad has left with me characteristics that make me hate me. I am afraid to love her and I might have torn the relationship down because of that fear. My tears flowed because I hate that I am lazy and that I am afraid to let anyone, anyone at all close to me because I let people down. I told her that I had to slow the relatioship because she was getting ahead of God. WTF!!!. 8 months ago that would not have mattered at all and 8 months ago I would not see the providence that God wants me to see. My relationship with my father is but a skewed and broken one. God however is a perfect father that sheppards me through, not telling me why I hurt but assuring me that there is a real purpose. My relationship with Stephanie is also a metaphor that God has given me. A man and a woman's love is immensly deep but subject to let downs and failures. God wants a relationship that I also desire to be in. He wants to be pursued open and honestly with the utmost, unwavering intensity. GOD WANTS ME TO WANT HIM MORE THAN I WANT HER. The pain that comes from these finite earthly relationships are reminders that God wants us to WANT and NEED him so much that it hurts. I am confused right now - I am so confused that I have resorted to my human comforts to soothe the pain of a broken relationship out here on the porch. But I clearly see as only faith can direct me to see that God wants me to pain this way without him. I have no honest foresight as to the future I have with Steph but God has hidden his stars from my view at 105 because he wants my pursuit. I so desperately want to love him and feel his love beyond my earthly paternal strife. If God sees to keep me in this relationship or hold off I will accept his judgment because who am I? Did I set the earth in motion no, do I set the stars in the sky, hell no. Job 38 says it best, without question. God's plan is perfect and beyond reproach, however, my questions persist without fail. The confidence I have is that God holds my infinitely small life in the palm of his hands. I was thoughtfully created. Yes I am flawed, lazy, and incompetent. But the relationships of this earth are solely based on faith. I am willing to be hurt again because its worth it. I am willing to be hurt because a metaphor is but the representative of the real thing. God's relationship with me is what I desire most and I am willing to accept my earthly limitations to have a better and closer understanding of who God is.
ReplyDelete